David Letterman Quotes
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.
To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He's as good as Houdini was at his best!
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'
The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China
Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.