David Letterman Quotes

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.

Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.

So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi.

Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

There just isn't enough televised Chess

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.