David Letterman Quotes

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

The first presidential debate was down in Florida. Residents spent all day putting plywood on their televisions.

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.

Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.

Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.

He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the back yard practicing his golf swing the whole time.

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.

Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.