David Letterman Quotes
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.
John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.
As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, 'The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.
Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.
Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.
The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.
During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!