David Letterman Quotes

Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.

Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.

Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.

I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.

George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.

Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.

Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.