David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed In Flames Quotes

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.

Oh, for Christ's sake, ' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.