David Sedaris Quotes

I've wasted a lot of time pretending to be interested in people who weren't terribly interesting.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

Humor is necessary - it allows the reader to come up for air before dunking them under again. I need humor and I need it on the page to keep the reader going.

Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.

In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.

In Paris you're always surrounded by French people.

On one tour, I was collecting stories about pet monkeys. You'd be surprised how many people have stories about monkeys. The problem is, most monkey stories end tragically.

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.

I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated.

Because I've always been a fairly nervous person.

I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time.

there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.

College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother.

If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.

Famous people like to choose friends who won't go around repeating their conversations and details about them.

I've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.

If I'm stuck, I get up from my chair and I wash windows. Or... clean the bathroom. Or vacuum the attic. There's always something to be done.

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.

I started writing when I was twenty. My first book came out when I was thirty-five. But I never expected that it would happen quickly.

The difference between the first time I read something and the tenth time I read something is generally pretty profound. Even if the script is the same, just the way that I read it is different.

I don't like travelling if I know I have to write about it.

Oh, for Christ's sake, ' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

Owl love you forever

Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer.

Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, 'Yikes! What the hell happened?

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

Nobody likes having a problem, but having a convoluted, bureaucratic one is even more galling.

The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for free.

It’s not lost on me that I’m so busy recording life, I don’t have time to really live it.

I'm not a parent myself, but I think the best solution at this point is to slap that child across the face. It won't stop crying, but at least now it'll be doing it for a good reason.

There are things you forget naturally-computer passwords, your father's continuing relationship with life-and then there are things you can't forget that you wish you could.