David Spade Quotes

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I have no detectable hair style.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

It's funny because it's funny.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

Single guys get a bad rap.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.