Demetri Martin Quotes

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!