Demetri Martin Quotes

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I like people, for a little while.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.