Demetri Martin Quotes

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

The earth without art is just eh.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying."

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.