Demetri Martin Quotes

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I've never read an article of clothing.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

To me, comedy is a game.