Demetri Martin Quotes

I never set out to do a sketch show.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films - writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'