Dennis Miller Quotes

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

I rant, therefore I am

If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Trends don't mean anything to me. If I like something, I'll do it. If I don't, I won't do it, and I wouldn't care if everybody in the country mocked me.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.