Dov Davidoff Quotes

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.