Dov Davidoff Quotes

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.