Dov Davidoff Quotes

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Comedy is rarely funny.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.