Dov Davidoff Quotes

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.