Drew Magary, Someone Could Get Hurt: A Memoir Of Twenty-First-Century Parenthood Quotes
For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.
Jokes about butts WORKED.
Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.