Dylan Moran Quotes

Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways.

America is this incredible mosaic of immigrants, so people really want to be anchored in some kind of culture as well as the one they are living in.

You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.

I'm organised in some ways, but not in others.

The East is very mysterious to Westerners. Even post-Cold War, it's still an unknown entity.

I always try to address where I am. I'll talk to the people and try to find out what it is about that particular place that makes it distinct from everywhere else.

I have used that song ["50ft Queenie"] and I'm a big PJ Harvey fan. I think she's fantastic.

I've got better things to do than read rubbish about myself.

That's a rather flippant quote "drinking and writing bad poetry" from me. I mean, I said it, but I was doing other stuff too. I certainly didn't manage the full stretch of four years.

The American political machinery is awesome to behold in its scale and expense and waste and madness. It's the greatest circus on Earth I suppose.

If you're talking about crowd enthusiasm, it varies. I have a decent following in Australia so I like there. I'm interested in playing everywhere.

It probably says something really clinically terrible about my character that I need to get up on a stage and go 'Ra ra ra' in front of people.

I've lived in the UK for longer than I lived in Ireland. I'm not worried about myself, but it's ridiculous for youngsters.

In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.

Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

What I prefer is an audience who listen. And are intelligent. Which I try and assume every audience is. And that if something goes wrong, it's generally my fault and not theirs.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

I get a phone call once every 18 months from some mad person who wants me to do something for less than no money and they give me about a week's notice. That's my film career, most of the time.

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I’ve always been a big consumer of American journalism over the years and had an interest in the history of it and of the press in America; how it has changed.

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'" (2009)]

A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand!

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realis

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like ‘be realistic’.

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.'