Eddie Izzard Quotes

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!

I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us.

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

Cake and tea or death?

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.

It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette."