Emo Philips Quotes

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.