Emo Philips Quotes

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.