Erma Bombeck Quotes

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

I used everything you gave me.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

The term 'working mother' is redundant.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

She's as funny as a toothache

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much.

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.