Erma Bombeck Quotes

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.

I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.

For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses.

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.

A small waist makes you tire easily.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

God created man, but I could do better.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?