Erma Bombeck Quotes

Do I have to use my own money?

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.

There was a time when the one singular thing that held a marriage together was the threat of getting the kids.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.

When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say "I used everything you gave me."

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for go live with a car battery.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plate.

Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there.

My mother phones daily to ask "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no she adds "So if you're not too busy call me while I'm still alive " . . . and hangs up.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.