Eugene Mirman Quotes

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Try not to wake up on fire.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.