Evan Esar Quotes

The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.

The reason why men who mind their own business succeed is that they have so little competition.

[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.

The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been.

Worry makes people thin, except when they worry about being fat.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.

The difference between two men is usually a woman.

A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.

The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter.

It takes far more courage to violate a custom than a law.

Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more.

Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.

Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.

The survival of the fittest is going to make some man very lonesome some day.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.

Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.

An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.

Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat.

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

There is a lot of difference between the man who is not able and his brother who is notable.

A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.

Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.

Washington is the place where nobody believes a rumor until it has been officially denied.

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman.

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting.

You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.

The only thing more certain than the hatred of enemies is the envy of friends.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense.

Bureaucracy is more people doing less things, and taking more time to do them worse.

Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer.

Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done.