Evan Esar Quotes

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

There's nothing as short as short-term debt.

There's only one kind of common sense but a thousand varieties of stupidity.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where.

The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability.

It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter -- it's the obituaries.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

A corporation has all the powers and privileges of an individual: all it lacks is a conscience.

A home in the country is what a city man hopes to buy and a farmer hopes to sell.

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.

Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars.

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.

A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.

In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules.

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.

To a teenager, it cannot be true love if her family approves of him.

A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her -- as long as it's a diamond

If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses -- if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others.

You can tell a man's taste in literature by his judgment in knowing what not to read.

Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

The three chief causes of divorce are men, women, and marriage.

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it.

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.

After wisdom comes wit.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.

Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.

Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

The state of the Union largely depends on the state of the unions.

Some people worry because they are in debt; others, because they can't even get in.

Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.

Every bride and groom would do well to remember that in wedding, the we comes before the I.