Felipe Esparza Quotes

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.