Garrison Keillor Quotes

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Your life is a work of art, and in the end, the underlying theme of great art is bravery and hope and love.

Some people think it is difficult to be a Christian and to laugh, but I think it's the other way around. God writes a lot of comedy, its just that he has so many bad actors.

I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.

Powdermilk biscuits: Heavens, theyre tasty and expeditious! Theyre made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

... life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.

Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.

Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

When writing loses touch with the beautiful surface of the world, it loses its way. You always want to be in touch with how things look and what people say and what they call their dogs.

In Lake Wobegon, we don't forget mistakes.

If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you trust?

Don't worry about the past and don't try to solve the future.

All solutions are temporary, so why not go for duct tape?

Being rich and thin isn't everything.

A child can educate just about anybody.

Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.

Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis.