Garry Shandling Quotes

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"

I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

Yes, I'm a nice man and I enjoy babies. I'm a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn't he use his last name?

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it's another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behaviour, interested me.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.

I'm good in bed, actually, and I think I could learn to be a good communicator, too. The only trouble with that is it leads to marriage.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

There's a good chance that if you're talking to me when I'm snoring, it means I'm bored.