Gary Gulman Quotes

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.

I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I just always wonder if I'm too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.

There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.

It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

Without my family, I'd be something.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.