George Burns Quotes

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.