George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? Quotes

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.