George Carlin Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Life is a zero sum game.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.