Greg Gutfeld Quotes

A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you're an Islamic - you're Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I'm talking about Islamic terror.

Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.

Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency

I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.

Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.

When the government sees a poor area, its solution is to move the poor out.

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.

I don't know if you get anything more adorable than a tiny pig eating an apple. And here's a fun fact. This is how you make apple-smoked bacon.

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

I haven't used that word since I was 7 years old. I don't understand Donald Trump.

I guess if your heart's in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

Accusing a politician of being politically expedient is like accusing water of being wet or circles for being round.

Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?

Legal gun ownership always prevails over the emotionalism of the gun control movement.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

What I'm going to miss is the competition, being, that's OK, I can watch from the house.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

I know that if I say something that's considered outrageous, a group will take it, create an email blast, and use me to raise money or to do whatever, to build their profile.

The media is Obama's scandal condom.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

Hollywood's schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain't for the beaches, I can tell you.

Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.

How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?

Why is our media quick to find evil in our local police, but tnot in Islamic terror?

If you're a Republican and rich, that's evil. But if you're a Democrat and rich, that's great.

We used to actually kill each other before we discovered rhetoric in words. If you look at other countries, there are people attacking each other in parliament and stuff.

ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.

Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.

The metric system was designed to get people to enter charity runs.Do you think you would go run a 3.1 mile race? No, but if somebody says, hey, 5 km. You go, 5km sounds pretty impressive.

I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.

The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.

There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.

It was then that I realized that while playing the well-meaning tolerant individual (in short: liberal) garnered you fans and grades, it didn't matter. In my heart and head, I was a fraud.

When someone in power declares that something is broken that means it's actually fine. What they're really saying is, "Let's change this so I like it and ruin it." Nothing is ever broken.

The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.

I think the reason why 'Red Eye' is popular is because we question the common assumptions that you find elsewhere.

America is like the greatest hit of the world.

The irony of prison is that it takes years and years and years to plan an elaborate escape, but all you have is years and years and years.

92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.