Groucho Marx Quotes

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

What have future generations ever done for us?

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.