Groucho Marx Quotes

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Always examine the dice.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!'

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I shall drink no #‎ wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.