Groucho Marx Quotes

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Home is where you hang your head.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Was that you or the duck?

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

I hate London when it's not raining.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.