Groucho Marx Quotes

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

I hope they bury me near a strait man

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

All geniuses die young.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

He thinks I look alike!

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.