Henny Youngman Quotes

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.