Henny Youngman Quotes

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Take my wife... Please!

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?