J. B. Colbert Quotes

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

I've always believed that acting is instinct to start with; you either have it or you don't.

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

Men don't get smarter when they grow older. They just lose their hair.

It took me years to figure out that you don't fall into a tub of butter, you jump for it.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

I'm impervious to logic.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.

If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.

The objective is to pluck the geese in such a manner as to obtain the greatest number of feathers with the least amount of hissing.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.