J. B. Colbert Quotes

Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything.

Audiences always sound like they're glad to see me, and I'm damned glad to see them.

I married a wonderful doctor, and I was very happy - period.

My imagination has always been inspired by nature’s vision

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Cynicism is an enormous problem. I'm actually a hopeful person. But the way to stay hopeful is to acknowledge and to not accept what is absolutely amoral, mentally ill behavior as normal.

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.