J. B. Colbert Quotes

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

When I started Ashes and Snow in 1992, I set out to explore the relationship between man and animals from the inside out.

Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

There's a buzz to failing and not dying.

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'