J. B. Colbert Quotes

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?

Equations are the devil's sentences.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

I'm getting angry at liberals.

If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

Trump will not respond to reasoned argument. He will not be held accountable for the things he said. All you can do is point and laugh. Because the devil cannot abide mockery.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."

What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.