J. B. Colbert Quotes

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media.

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.

If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.

With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to get the most feathers with the least hissing.

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.