J. B. Smoove Quotes

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.

It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.

You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.

Women put guys through tests all the time.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.

I should be European. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing. Kids get heavy. Quite literally. They're heavy to lift up when they're throwing tantrums.

I'm nice with damn kids, man. Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids and I can get into the mind of a kid.

If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

The ruckus is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.