J.R. Stewart Quotes

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.

I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent.

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

The government that governs best, governs best!

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.

It's like hunting cows

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'